Thursday, June 21, 2018

Solstice



I haven't posted in so long, I have forgotten how.  Took me awhile to remember how to put a picture here.

It is the first day of summer.  Seems like I've been right all along about its purpose (link).  O.K.  I've actually been saying that about spring and fall, the "Carnal Equinoxes."  But, as they used to say in the old sunny south, "When it's hot and sultry, it's time for adultery."  They did.  I'm not making that up.

My mind is torn about writing here.  I want to tell things, but I am not sure if I want to reveal.  I just read that the state with the highest longevity for humans is Minnesota.  Average age--70.3 years.  That's the HIGHEST but for Hawaii which is considerably higher.  And you can buy some volcanic acreage there right now for a bargain price, I believe.  It is a terrible tragedy, of course, but as my monied friends often say, where there is pain, there is opportunity.  I don't like the saying, but I can't really argue.

So. . . as I take steps closer to the seventy year mark, I worry.  Much has changed in my life since I last appeared here on these "pages."  My old life is gone, and I wonder what the next one will be.  I am living with my 86 year old mother now.  "Why?" you ask.  She fell and broke her shoulder and needs the care of her only child.  It is not bad.  We have fun.  But I haven't been in my house for over a few hours in seven weeks.  I haven't been out, either.  Once in a while, after work, if I cut out before I am supposed to, I ride my scooter to the Cafe Strange and get a tea or a beer and write in my journal.  "Tea?"  Yes, that is another thing.  I barely drink now.  Lost ten pounds because of it, but I tore a muscle in my back, too, and has given me a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale when I try to sleep.  Went to the E.R. at midnight one Saturday night.  Don't do that.  It is not a good idea.  As a matter of fact, medical care in general is not a good idea.  I have had blood tests, urinalysis, X-rays and CT scans.  Everything was good, but I am nothing but a set of data points now.  I had more test run by the first family physician I have had since I was in high school.  I get the results of the additional tests she ran on Friday.  Some days, I think I won't go back.  I am stressed to death worrying about the results.  It hardly seems worth it.

I've watched a lot of "Gunsmoke" with my mother this month.  I'm surprised how good the show actually is.  Miss Kitty, for God's sake, running a whore house and dating the marshal.  But the old doc, now that's what we need.  No data points.  Just takes a look, feels around, and gives you a 50/50 chance.  Just like the weatherman, he is never wrong.

I am drained of life right now and don't feel like myself.  I have work and mom's therapy and cooking and cleaning and watching television and work.  All my summer plans and any trips I planned are gone.  And if I ever do get to go anywhere, I will be, once again, traveling alone.  I am afraid that I have forgotten how to be a flaneur.  My limbs are not attached any more.  I feel hollow.  I am one of them now, one of Eliot's "Hollow Men" (link) (link).

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

"Mr. Kurtz, he dead."

As always, that is not what I intended to write, but it is there and it is something.  I must go now and help with my mother's therapy so that I can get ready for work.  I've revealed more than intended, but I've suggested something, too.  

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