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I am waiting on the vet to come to the house.

Last night, Ili and I were having a drink on the deck after dinner.  We were talking about Bella the cat and how the deck had been hers, how she hardly left this part of the yard.  Then I turned and saw her walking around the side of the house, not walking, really, but dragging herself to where we sat, caked in dirt, eyes downcast.  I got down on the deck with her and held her.  She put her head against mine. Ili got a wet rag and we cleaned her up, then wrapped her in a blanket and took her inside.  I couldn't believe it, but we were glad for the chance to say goodbye.

We tried to give her food and water.  She put her nose to the water but couldn't drink, wouldn't try.  We swaddled her and held her but in a while she began to move.  We lay her down in the towel on the floor where she looked to be passing, but after an hour, she got up and struggled to the water bowl.  She did not drink.  Ili got up and held her again and then lay her out on the towel more comfortably.  She went to sleep.

I was certain she would be gone in the morning, passing, as things seem to do, after midnight.  But when I got up at four, she was sitting up, head hanging down.  I pet her and she purred, but she was in bad distress.  We have made her comfortable again, but she gave out a painful, mournful cry.

That is when I called the vet.  She is a friend and comes to the house to treat animals.  She is the one who put my dog down when she was so sick many years ago.

This has been a bizarre twist, and I have many, many conflicted and confused thoughts and feelings.

Now, in the morning, I have put on some jazz to calm the cat and me, and I wait.  I don't know how to do this, but who does?