Even Sam Shepard

Even Sam Shepard goes to shit.

Don't ever let anyone drink vodka.  No matter what.  It is the pathway to alcoholism for sure.  Or something worse.  Let me tell you a story.

Yesterday, I went to Whole Foods and bought a BIG swordfish fillet, bigger than I could eat, so that I might have leftovers.  I love to take the fish--tuna, salmon, whatever--and mix it up with safflower mayonnaise and sweet relish and slivered almonds and dried cranberries, etc--and make a salad the next day.  It is as good if not better than the lovely fish that comes straight off the grill.

By nightfall, though, I wasn't in the mood to cook a lovely dinner for one, so I decided to pick up some Thai and cook the fish the next day.

Tonight, I was excited for the fish.  I put on the jasmine rice and began steaming the asparagus while I chopped garlic and red bell pepper and avocado (Nadja told me that if I eat a red pepper and an avocado every day, I'd turn twenty again, so. . . ), and then I heated up the grill.  But when I went to the refrigerator to get the fish, I couldn't find it anywhere.  I took the refrigerator apart.  Where the fuck. . . ?  It wasn't in the freezer.  It wasn't anywhere.  I looked for twenty minutes, taking everything out of the fridge and putting it back and closing the door only to begin again.  I couldn't believe it.  Where was the fish?

I remembered, though, last night cleaning out the refrigerator.  Could I have. . . surely not. . . but there was only one conclusion I could draw.  I'd thrown the fish away.  I was drinking martinis and I threw the fucking $20 worth of fucking fish away.

I need A.A.

Fuckshitpissgodamnsonofabitchmotherfuckerpisshead.

I had a can of organic chicken that I spiced and mixed with the rice.  That was dinner.

And now I have returned to scotch.  Fucking clear liquors.

A friend of mine looked up one of my ex-girlfriends on Facebook and sent me the link.  She was young when I wasn't, a student at Country Club College.  I was. . . much older.  She was a music major and played first violin in the symphony.  She was a vegan, but I fixed that.  Still, I never loved her the way I should have.  She was more fun than any girlfriend I've ever had.  We never stopped laughing and fucking and eating and going places.  I taught her many things, and she taught me some more.  I was in love with another girl at the time, but I shouldn't have been.  And now I think back on this girl with great and good affection, even though, in the end, she did me very, very wrong.  But that is for another time.

My point tonight is that I made a mistake and looked at her Facebook page.  Shit oh shit oh shit. . . what have they done?  She looks like a middle-aged matron.  She has a young daughter and dates or is married to an attorney.  When we had broken up, she stopped me in traffic once to come on to me.

"Fuck me," she said.  "We always had fun.  My boyfriend watches sports on Saturday afternoon.  I'm tired of lawyer dick."

I may be wrong, but I'll assume this is the same one.  He is a bicyclist, apparently, riding in the velodromes if photographs are to be trusted.  He looks like lawyer dick.

I should have married her and given her that child.  She would never look the way she looks now.  Holy Moly.

But that is the way it goes.  I don't look so good myself.  Worse than her, for sure.

Social media is Satan.

But even Sam Shepard. . . etc.