Stirred, Not Shaken

Originally Posted Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I'll tell you a small, good truth.  Martinis.  I've never made them.  I've rarely drunk them.  But a friend of mine has started me, and now I find them to be good.  Good Vodka is cheaper than good Scotch, too. And I've begun to make them at home.  But they drink like water, unlike scotch, and they fuck you up. Just in case you've never had the experience. 

Oh.  Mine is a vodka martini, stirred, not shaken. 

Bond. . . James Bond. . . took his shaken, not stirred.  An astute analyses of this reveals that by shaking the ingredients, the martini is more diluted.  Bond often ordered a Campari, too, when he was playing for Her Majesty at the Baccarat tables, for he needed to keep his wits about him.  Shaken gives you just that much more dilution. 

I would shake mine, but I haven't the fixings.  I will.  I have learned to love the martini.  And I learned to make it from the bartenders at the Madison in Washington, D.C.  Here is how it goes. 

First, pour ice cubes into a container.  Then drip in some dry vermouth.  Stir the vermouth and ice, then drain out the liquid.  That is all the vermouth you will need.  Then pour in the vodka and stir.  Add three olives letting just a bit of juice pour in.  Voila.  It is the Selah/ C'est la Vie cocktail. 

For now, at least. 

I used to drink Gimlets long ago.  I may take them up again, too. 

But it is dangerous to go from scotch to the clear liquids.  That is the hallmark of a drunk.  Maybe. 

I went to the liquor store the other night with a lady friend of mine.  The nice young girl at the counter got me the scotch I requested.  I said something funny about being a drunk, but her rejoinder was, "Oh, no, you are not a drunk." 

"How do you know," I asked. 

"Drunks ask for little bottles."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said with great empathy, "they try to limit how much they drink.  I've got an elderly woman who comes in three times a night buying the pints."

I'm not there yet, but it is sad. 

My advice, therefore, is to stay away from the martinis.  Stick to drugs.  They are less harmful, really.  Studies show.  A little opium from time to time would be just the thing.  It is light, not even close to codeine.  It is just the dripping of the poppy pod, nothing more.  Gin and vodka are distilled products like morphine and heroine.  They are not good for you at all. 

I am fading now.  It must be the olive juice. So much can go wrong.  Stirred, not shaken.