Insipid Shallowness and The Hollow Rejection of All That

Originally Posted Sunday, July 7, 2013

I experimented yesterday with some new techniques and processes.  I also ordered a bunch of new chemicals for some things I want to try.  I am in an experimental mood.  I'd rather do that than the work that needs to be done, the work I should be doing.  I will do more today or I will go to the beach and take a walk.  I shall decide that after I write this. 

But there is something beneath the surface that is driving it all, I am sure, some dissatisfaction with my life.  I am tired of it.  Not of life but the way mine is going.  And it is not that mine sucks when I compare it to others.  I don't look around and wish I had the life of anyone I know.  I see there the boring sameness of blunted expectations and the fearful falling into routines to counter the hollowness that lies outside them.  I don't blame people for the ordinariness of their days and their breathy talk of . . . I should stop.  I don't want to insult anyone here.  And the life I desire isn't any less ordinary than the ones they live.  It is simple, too. I just want it to be in most ways more profound. 

Well now. . . that's a lot of bullshit for a Sunday morning.  Last night's post was much better.  I can't get that girl from the Thicke video out of my mind.  There is a loop that keeps playing in my head with her dancing across the screen from right to left that is killing me.  Fuck Q for showing me this.  He knew what it would do to me.  He is evil and probably lied about knowing the girl at all.  He tells me all the time he has no fealty with the truth.  And now that I'm thinking about it, she is probably all the profundity I am seeking in life, just her frozen in time dancing impishly forever. 

I am shallow.  I am dismal.  I am ordinary.  It is definitely time to shop for new clothing.