The Sex Whisperer

Originally Posted Saturday, August 9, 2014

I'm still smarting from my once upon a time girlfriend's comment that she was ready for some new photography.  Did people tell Vargas he needed to draw ferns?  Did people tell Hopper or Bonnard to quit painting their wives?  Fuck me.  Am I being defensive?  I've let too many things distract me from what I thought I was doing well.  I'm sure someone would have told Vivian Maier that they were tired of seeing all those street photographs if she had shown them. 

"Why don't you try some pretty landscapes?"

O.K.  Enough of that.  Apparently there are women suffering in ways I've never thought about.  According tothis article, women who have an absence of sexual thoughts or feelings are considered to have a disorder.  I thought that was something we, both men and women, were supposed to strive for.  Jesus, my entire life has been disrupted by sexual thoughts and feelings.  I've always believed that this was a bit of a disorder, too. Every long road trip becomes a fantasy fest.  I know it is partially the vibration of the tires running over the road beneath, but that certainly can't be all of it for just going to bed has much the same effect.  And my imagination is pretty far reaching, too.  A long time ago, I told myself I could think anything I wanted.  Oh my god, that was probably one of the big mistakes in my life.  But Hope Ashby, Psychotherapist, has an easy test to see if women are simply in bad relationships or if they are in possession of some deeper problem:

When patients come to see me for this issue, I usually ask whether they fantasize about actors, models or even the pool boy. If they answer yes, then more than likely it is a relationship issue, not a psychological and/or biological issue.

I'd say I'm pretty normal, then, though I do have some trouble fantasizing about the pool boy.  But fuck it, if that's normal, I'm willing to give it a go, for you see, this is the closest to being on the right side of things I've come to in as long as I can remember.  I'm ready to open up.  Let me tell you about my fantasies.  

In truth, mine are pretty run of the mill.  No leather, no masks, no whips or chains.  I think, however, I should be a psychotherapist because I love to crack the skulls of others.  Their fantasies are far more fascinating than mine.  But maybe this is not normal at all.  My fantasies are parasitic.  Oh, do tell me your dreams and desires.  They do excite me so.  

Yes, I'm going to become a psychotherapist.  I am good at giving people permission.  

I won't bore you with hormone disorders.  Everyone knows what causes menopause and andropause, but truly, women--take your testosterone.  You only need a little and it goes a long way.  Estrogen is important, but don't forget the test.  I've been telling my mother for years she needs to take it.  I told her she'd be fighting again in no time.  But she's old fashioned, you know.  She just doesn't believe it is for girls.  

You can read the article if your curious about orgasm and pain disorders.  I can help you with the first but not the second, and revealing how I can help you with the first would be like telling you how I make my pictures look the way I do.  Then everyone would be doing it.  But I'll hint at it.  I'm a sex whisperer.  Perhaps that is too revealing.  But I have had some Hollywood producers interested in making a movie about it.  They say nobody is going to give a damn about horse whisperers after this.  

I think I'll probably get a call from Hope Ashby soon, too.  I'll let you know when the article comes out.