Friday, December 11, 2015
I lost internet the past few days. It happens every so often when a big truck comes through and pulls the cable from the house. They have fixed it finally so that will not happen again. But I am questioning the wisdom of having cable altogether. I hate the cable company, but purchasing simple internet access is almost as expensive as buying the cable bundle. So I am spending almost $200/month to watch about six hours of television a week. When I figure up the cost per hour. . . .
I have been out of sorts as well. Sick. My buddy and I ate at two places last Friday night, and we have both been sick since. First we had sushi. I do not think that was the culprit. Later we went for drinks and got an order of meatballs. I took one bite. They were undercooked. I am paranoid about eating out now. I hope to get over this soon. It is a weird combination of symptoms, not just belly. I worry.
There have been some other changes, too. I am packing up the studio as best I can, but I am not good at such things. I may just put most things in the dumpster and forget about it. Even the prints. I feel as if I am done with photography now. I have done what I've done and done it well, I think, but it came to nothing. Now I can choose to store the hundreds and hundreds of big prints and boxes of Polaroids in a five by five climate controlled storage unit or pitch them all away and save the money.
And still more changes that I am not certain I want to write about. I may be done with sharing my life, too. In the late night darkness when I awake, I am not as happy nor as proud as I would have thought. I have always thought that I was a sweet boy, but I have had far too much pride. I could have been nicer about a lot of things. I could have let things go. But I have been macho intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I think about that now and wish it were all different. I wish a lot of things were not so. But there is no going back and changing things. There is only the way forward. I know how I want to be from now on. I have not been a bad man, but I would like to be a better one. A gentler one.
I have to say, though, that the images on my television are looking clearer and cleaner. There is that for my money, anyway. I have slept in too late this morning and must prepare for the maids who will be here shortly. Then work, then a party (I've had one just about every night this week) as the holidays descend. And then a gentle night and early bed. Same old same old. I am not complaining.
For those of you who come here to see the pictures, well. . . I don't think I do that any more.