Wednesday, September 18, 2019
I'm no good at being off. It is a hard fact to face. I treat days off like weekends (which are not really fully relaxed days if you work), getting up, reading, going to the gym, showering, eating, taking care of whatever business needs taking care of, until it is time to go marketing, make dinner, sit down with Ili and perhaps turn on the television.
This is not the way I plan to spend my time away from the factory. Mid-afternoon today, I had to get out of the house. I had done the early things, and the irrigation repairman had just left. It was two, then two-thirty. I answered work email. Then, in a fit of frustration, I bolted. I went to the local hipster coffee shop. And when I walked into the very crowded room, I saw one of my factory workers sitting at a table with her laptop. I felt like a boss when I walked over to say hello, but of course nobody is treating me like a boss any longer. I am the soon to be gone boss.
I soon will be boss-no-longer. Then what am I? I will need to be "one becoming." Weird this late in my career, as the song almost goes. I will have to learn a new way of being. It hit me suddenly that I wasn't as groovy as once I was. I remember the days of yore when I was a freedom whore, lying about sunning on docks, sitting in cafes, walking the boulevard. It has been so long, I had forgotten the feeling.
It came back to me in a rush. So did the fact that I wasn't that guy any longer.
I am going to have to learn. Re-learn.
I wish kerflumpt were a word. That is how I'm feeling now. Verklempt, maybe. I don't know.