In the End

Long one yesterday, eh?  Not today.  I'm not feeling all that well.  I had a horrible night of poor sleep and self-evaluation.  Do you ever have those?  Last night was pretty awful.  First I did a physical inventory.  There isn't much left of me that isn't broken.  From head to toe, I couldn't find any good parts.  I hurt all the time all over.  And lately, the vertigo has been pretty steady.  Now the doctor has me fearing that apnea will kill me.  Jesus, man, there is no end to it.  

Then I started the lifelong psychological eval.  Nothing there to be very proud about.  Lying alone in the dark, hopeless, it seemed, with no one to assuage and succor my fears. . . . 

Up in the dark.  Nothing seems to help.  

Does this happen to you?  

It's a rhetorical question.  

But yea. . . I'm quite broken.  

I did manage to find places in the garden to plant a few more things yesterday.  And I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a new fitted bottom sheet.  I guess that's redundant.  A fitted top sheet would be silly.  While there, I bought a new blender and what I thought was an inexpensive air fryer.  When I got it home, it wasn't.  It is a simple toaster oven.  When I thought I had bought an air fryer, I decided that I would take my kitchen apart and reorganize so that I could store my countertop appliances in places easily accessed.  I have a small kitchen.  Things must be moved around all the time.  My cabinets are a mess.  

I will return the toaster oven.  I won't need to take my kitchen apart, at least not today.  I won't buy an air fryer until I do.  

I must call the pressure washing guys to do the house and apartment.  I will call the mulch company and have my annual sixteen yards delivered.  Once again there will be a day or two of spreading.  

But I'm falling apart.  It happens.  People who have lived normal lives fall into depression or madness unexpectedly.  My physical state is wearing on my mental, and maybe vice-versa.  

Don't proffer advice.  I don't want any.  It will only irritate me.  I know all the hippie shit people have to say.  "Breathe.  Be kind to yourself.  Take walks.  Focus on blah blah blah."  

I have a few ideas of my own.  

One is not supposed to say they are sad or scared or broken.  One must be stoic.  Anything else is shameful.  It is asking for help from helpless people.  There is nothing anyone can do.  

In the end, everything is hopeless, isn't it?