I didn't leave the house yesterday until it was time to go to see my mother. This seems to be happening a lot to me lately. Tennessee had said something about going out last night, but I knew I wouldn't go. There was no reason not to. There was an outdoor jazz festival in a nearby village. They close down the streets. It is just food and drink and music. For whatever reason, though. . . .
I had stayed in bed much of the day. I felt "off." Again, there has been too much of that. I decided to use The Google.
Hmm. I have suspected that I am suffering from depression for awhile. I feel little joie de vivre much of the time and often cry over the dumbest things. I watched a YouTube video of Linda Ronstadt singing "Tumbling Dice" at a concert and my whole head swelled--nose, lips, eyes. It happens quite often for no reason.
Part of not wanting to go out IS social anxiety. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be judged. It's a problem that has only grown in the past few years. But I don't really want to do anything. There is a lot of work to do around the house, but I can't bring myself to do any of it. I'm letting things fall apart. And I'm paranoid about it. When I think it through, I feel overwhelmed.
I'm living in slow motion.
When I went to see my mother, though, I realized I didn't feel well. I began sneezing and my nose began to run. I sounded phlegmy when I talked. Maybe I had stayed in bed all day because I was physically, not mentally ill. Maybe.
When I left my mother's house, I went to Whole Foods and bought a NY Strip, some asparagus, a potato, and a bottle of wine. Back home, I started the grill. Dinner for one. It looked as if I had escaped a night out, but just as I sat down with a glass of wine, the phone pinged. It was Tennessee. Shit. I was going to need to make an excuse. But that wasn't it. He had simply sent a video for me to watch. The food was on the grill. I was in for the night.
As comfortable as that was, though, I had to wonder if it was right. Was it physical or mental? Neither one was appealing, of course. Wondering which, though, meant it was something.
The steak, potatoes, and asparagus were perfection. Somebody should be here to share this, I thought. Again. My Own True Love. I mean, Holy Mackerel, I'm a great cook and I'm good to my mother.
Then I thought, "Well. . . maybe you are an asshole." I'm not, though, so what? Just then, something occurred to me, something obvious. But that is for another time.
Then, of course, there is this.
Trump is kicking the shit out of Biden in the polls. Why these two? Overwhelmingly nobody wants either of them to run. It is all voting against, not voting for. It's a hell of a world we are living in. Who in the heck wants to go out into it?
Per usual, I poured an after dinner scotch and lit one of the remaining Cohibas. The weather is fine and I had dined outside. The air was turning purple now, dark and soft. I texted Travis. He, too, was sitting out. "Do you hear the cicadas?"
I woke this morning at 5:30. No, wait, I thought, is it 4:30 or 6:30? Spring ahead, fall back. I would stay in bed 'til dawn, I thought. That was the only way to be sure. Not the clock but the natural cycle. Still, the clock is going to mess with me. It will mess with us all. Like the coming election, this is something we have inflicted upon ourselves.
I have to get out today. I need to walk, sure, but I need to do more. There is the usual, of course. I will be making a tasty meal for my mother.
It has been a week since I have seen the cat, I think. Maybe a little more. Sometimes I think I should get a dog. Then I think, "But what if I want to travel?" Ho! I meant to get up to see my friend in the midwest in October. I thought I might go to NYC. I thought about traveling in state this week, but I have three appointments keeping me here.
"Don't you feel the time passing by?" (link).
This is just a horrible confession, I guess. Maybe that is a symptom, too. I am full of "symptoms." I'm going to have to shake it, whatever it is. I'll do it now.
Right after I set the clocks. What time is it?