I Just Want. . .

I needed an SD card for my new Ricoh GR IV that was delivered a few days ago.  I found one lying about, but before I put it in the camera, I put it into the computer to see if there were any images on it.  Holy smokes!  There were--from my stolen Fuji camera.  2016.  It must have been the first images I shot with it because there is a lot of video when I thought I was shooting pictures, me wondering to Ily what the fuck was going on.  Many of the images were like this one--not focused.  I obviously hadn't learned how to use the camera yet.  But I remember the day vividly.  A lot of big memories and emotions enveloped me.  Those were good times.  I had a pretty girlfriend and was making the most money I had made in my life.  Not a lot, but more than I was used to.  We were going places, eating, drinking, adventuring. . . we were happy.  

I think it just floored me in comparison to the life I have now.  I have no backup, no support.  It is just my mother day and night. 

Yesterday, I had my Xterra towed to the shop.  New owner.  Fingers crossed.  It was a hassle getting the car there as the tow truck that was sent was too small, or so said the driver.  He was a fire plug.  He drove about five miles an hour worried the car was going to bounce and come undone.  That would be very bad, he said.  But we got it there under dark skies.  I had to decide how to get home--Uber or walk.  It was only two miles.  An Uber would cost $25.  I would walk.  

The skies got even darker and the wind picked up.  I knew I would get soaked.  Just as the monsoon came, though, I was walking behind a shopping village and was able to shelter in the back of a large building in the portico of a rear door.  In ten minutes, the heavy rain was gone, and I continued homeward.  But all around lightening was striking in huge, extended sizzles and pops.  I was more than a little worried.  But the rain had stopped and I limped on as quickly as I could.  

I was home.  

That is when I put the SD card into the computer.  I just wanted to climb into bed and have someone I loved hold me. 

Back at my mother's house, things were bad.  My mother's madness was growing worse.  She just talks now without context.  I am tired, so very, very tired.  I make dinners now, but she barely eats.  Her tooth is hurting her despite the antibiotics and oxy.  I got up a couple time last night to use the bathroom, and each time, she was up.  This morning when I woke, I heard her talking on the phone.  She was leaving an emergency message.  

"What are you doing?"

"I have an emergency."

"What is it?"

"I was up all night."

"Why?"

"I'm having a reaction to these pills."

"What is the reaction."

She couldn't tell me.  I don't know what to do.  We go to the oral surgeon in a bit, but I don't know what will happen.  Her primary care doctor called yesterday, one of her staff, to say that my mother's urine sample had e. coli and they were calling in a prescription of antibiotics.  I told them she was on antibiotics from the dentist.  We needed to see what the oral surgeon was going to prescribe.  

Perhaps all the infections in her body are making her crazy.  I don't know and scarcely know what to do.  

Maybe with the sun, she will become clearer.  

Oh--the care repair place called.  $2,000.  This is the last money I will spend on that 2007 car.  It breaks my heart, though.  

Today is going to be a challenge.  I don't feel up to it.  

And the SD card?  It didn't work in the Ricoh camera.  Wrong kind.  I need to buy a new one.