Saturday, September 1, 2018

Lost



September 1, I woke up in my own bed for the first time in nearly four months.  Last night, I went to dinner with a buddy.  Sushi, sake, then whiskey.  I stayed up past midnight which is not something I really enjoy any more.  Slept in as long as I could.  Got up, walked through the house to the kitchen.  Weird.  I struggled to find things.  But they are my things.  An unfamiliar familiarity.

Packing up at my mother's was harder than I thought.  I had to bring a lot of stuff back from her house just to spend the night.  Now what?  I want to live in my house again, but my mother was uber sad when I left, I could tell.  It was like going away to college, if you know what I mean.  I am deciding that I will try to split my time.  I will spend a couple hundred dollars to stock her house with the things I need here.

But I am weird this morning.  I have lost my rhythm.

What to do?  Long weekend.  I've made no plans, or rather, whatever plans I made were used up last night.  Now I am alone in a house I have shared with Ili for years.  And maybe that's the oddness that I am feeling.  Yes, it must be that.  There is no one to take coffee to, to snuggle, no one to ask, "What do you want to do today?"

It is funny, however, to find out what your friends thought of your girlfriend when she is no longer part of the picture.  They feel free to say all the things they wouldn't say before.  It is supposed to make you feel better about the loss, but it only makes you feel worse about the relationship.

So my thoughts run this morning.

O.K.  I'm a little lost right now.

I'll do the things I used to do, the ones I can remember.  When this is done, I will get dressed and go to the gym.  I will come home, shower, and go in search of food.  There is none in the house.  Breakfast somewhere.

And then. . . .  I don't know.  I am breathless with anticipation.

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