"Where do you live?"

My brain has become a mash up.  I can't tell one thing from another.  Liberation or constraint?  Liberal or conservative?  Moral or immoral?  Black or white?  Up or down?  In or out?  Good or evil?  It's just a billion songs going all at once in synch.

I've been an asshole all day.  I couldn't say a right thing, couldn't get along with anybody.  I don't need to be around people I have power over. I am in the mood to use it.  I want to break things.  Just smash them.  I've quit drinking in the main and am feeling pretty fit.  But there is a hollowness, too--a lack of substance.  I know whence it comes, though, and there is nothing I can do about it.  Eventually, it is inevitable.

I contemplate buying a printer now since the one in the studio had to go back.  But what do I buy?  What do I spend?  Based on any business plan, it would have to be nothing.  I can't justify a printer's expense.  I am a losing enterprise.  Money only flows outward.  Still. . . a printer.

Though lord knows why.  I feel virtually done now.  I don't know if I need anything.  When I was younger and still had confidence, I was asked, "Where do you live?"  "Oh," I said, "in the hearts and minds of women everywhere." I could once make such a self-agrandizing claim.

My head was up then.  Today, I find myself looking too much at the ground.

We focus on the thing we think we don't have sometimes, the thing we think will never come again.  How could it, we wonder?  It would take something more than this.