Disorder

Originally Posted Friday, March 8, 2013

I'm not sleeping, and it is effecting me badly.  Last night I woke every few minutes, a combination of apnea and anxiety.  I wouldn't even fall back to sleep again before I stopped breathing.  It is crazy, almost suicidal.  And then wave after wave of horror swept over me.  My life. . . the awfulness. . . or so it seemed.  This morning I am limp and catatonic. 

I thought about dying alone.  Not the dying. . . well, yes, the dying. . . but all the things that I have that must be taken care of.  I have fifty or so big storage boxes full of Polaroids from my "Lonesomeville" project.  I don't know what to do with them.  They take up way too much room in my house.  And I have hundreds of big prints, 16"x 24", 36"x 24".  I have a studio that no relatives know about full of cameras and props and chemicals and lighting equipment, backdrops and stands and tripods.  And many, many, many hard drives full of digital imagery.  I kept thinking that I would have to do something about all of that today. 

Jesus. 

I thought about all the money that represents.  The house is falling apart and I do nothing about it because it is too expensive and I'm too lazy to do anything myself. 

Wake suffocating, panting, shaking, sweating. 

What to do?  Sell everything, get rid of the studio, use the money wisely. 

I'm a wreck.  I need to meditate, concentrate, let go of the outside world, of illusion and distraction.  Something has to change. 

I just thought I'd let you know.