Thursday, March 19, 2020

Other People's Music

Other people's music is like other people's dreams.  Sort of.  I've never heard another person's dream that fascinated me. On a minority of occasions, I've had someone recommend music that has interested me.  Too often, though, you listen to the song and go, "What the fuck?  Really?"  What's the success rate on this stuff?  I can't imagine it is more than 20%.  So. . . I am not offended if you listen to the music I put up here and say to yourself (or to others), "What the fuck?"  I am like that, too.

But I am alone and have nothing to do but listen to music and write and look through pictures and mope and tune into what my body is doing and feel that I am dying.  I mean, I'm doing a lot of feeling sorry for me.  I worry about the world, too, but it is mostly about me.

Tomorrow is the first day of spring, the vernal equinox.  Surely it will bring a change.  We need a change for the good.  I need something to take me out of this funk.  I can think of only one thing, and as unlikely as that is, nothing else I can think of seems it will do.  You could give me my money back.  You could give me a new car.  But I know, as you may have realized, too, that there is only one thing that will do.

Maybe two.

My mother, who I talk to multiple times a day since I can't visit, reported that suicide rates have gone way up since the corona virus has really hit.  "You wouldn't ever do that, would you?"

"Well, mom, you know, I mean. . . I don't want to walk around with my kidney in a bag.  There is a certain quality of life. . . you know. . . I mean. . . ."

That didn't go over really well.  "You're tough," she said.  "You're tougher than that."

"Tough" is a relative term.  I was tough when I got run over.  Sometimes, however, it is tougher to do one thing than another.  You don't always know which.  But I'm an only child.  Mom doesn't have replacements.  She is tougher than I ever could be.  My life has been a fucking extravagance, a crazy circus, a wild ride I'm not sure I did anything to deserve.  Born in a tiny house without indoor plumbing, with a billboard for siding, then moving south and growing up with hillbillies and cracker rednecks in a poor Southern neighborhood, I somehow lucked into every extravagance and luxury I could never afford.  I've had adventures beyond my abilities.  I've had affairs beyond my dreams.

Lying in a bed with a tube in my throat. . . no.  Sorry, ma.

Holy smokes!  As I write, I have music playing on t.v.  This just came on.  Who is that in the opening scene!  Ha.  I knew I had good music taste.

.* .* .*.

After reading Tom Hank's text in the N.Y. Times this morning, I am more convinced I have corona.  Our symptoms are the same, and he has been in quarantine for a long while now.  I just can't seem to shake this fatigue and achiness.  I can for awhile, then it comes back.  I will stay in quarantine.  I am cancelling the maids visit.  I will have much more time to sit and mope.

I try to imagine what it is like to feel o.k in the Time of Corona.  I think people feel pretty confident that this inconvenience will pass them by.  I get texts from people who now work from home.  They are happy.  They don't have to get dressed, don't have to drive.  Their main concern is how to stay entertained.  They tell me of their boredom.

I would love to be merely bored.


  1. Ah, I remember that Tom Waits song. Saw him at the Orpheum in Boston back in the late 70's. Gave an amazing performance. Our taste in music has been pretty much in sync.

    1. I, too, saw Waits perform in a small theater around 1976 or so. Very theatrical with stage markings and props. He sang one song holding an umbrella under a street light in the rain. Fantastic.

  2. The shopping trip was pretty successful. No bread, toilet paper or "green goddess" to be had but I was allowed two rolls of paper towels and two gallons of water. I am back to drinking well water but the cats seem OK from drinking it, my lovely canaries.

    I thought the place would be mobbed because of all the school closings but it was almost as empty as the shelves. Mostly older folk like myself wandering around talking to themselves. Caught myself doing this too.

    After that we headed north for take-out pizza at my favorite place with the home-made sauce. Got a huge veggie. Now I have left-over that I will deconstruct and turn into omelettes.