Wednesday, April 22, 2020
This shit is getting to me. I woke at four this morning and started thinking. They were not happy thoughts. I have been dragging my body through time and space listlessly. Now my mind is slowing too. Lying in the dark, I was confronted by my fears. They overwhelmed me. I tried to put up a defense. What was I looking forward to? Oh, man, that army was far outnumbered. The morning coffee? I couldn't think of anything else. I had to get up. I couldn't stand lying there any longer. I realized that it was true. I am filled with fear and am looking forward to nothing.
If this sounds melodramatic to you, you are very lucky. My guess is that you are not living in the same circumstances as I, that you have many more connections and interactions to distract you. If you, too, are living alone and find my confession pathetic, I would wager that you are much younger than I. I will guess that in the last three months you haven't lost your partner, left your job, made a bad decision that cost you a lot of money. . . .
Making every decision alone is wearing on me. Should I do this now or wait? When is this due? Who should I call?
Shit fuck goddamn.
I have always enjoyed my life. I have not envied others. I have felt myself extremely lucky.
Suddenly, I've fallen through a hole in the floor. Paranoia is overwhelming me.
All I can do is change my mind. Today I am going to begin making lists of things to look forward to. I probably need to narcotize myself less in lockdown.
Other people's troubles, of course. . . . Everybody has their own.