Saturday, November 7, 2020


Have you watched "The Queen's Gambit"?  It seems everyone has.  That is all I want to do, just lie around in the dark and watch it.  I am on the last (maybe second to last) episode now.  What will I do when it is over?  I haven't any other sources of comfort now.  My house is a wreck.  I am sleeping in the guest bedroom.  "Sleeping" is a generous way to put it.  My back is killing me.  It is a futon, but somehow the mattress sags.  My mother, who has slept there, says the same.  I will have to get a better guest bed.  It will be several days before I can sleep in my own bed again, maybe more.  The bathroom there must be torn apart and rebuilt.  It is awful.  

Mr. Fixit is taking off this weekend.  I will have my time to myself in the one unscathed room--the t.v. room.  I have not cooked a meal since I made dinner for Mr. Tree and Mr. Fixit.  I will get back to my regular diet for a couple days.  Real or imagined, I do not feel well.  I had a better outlook on life after my terrible accident than I do right now.  Maybe the paint and epoxy fumes are killing me.  Maybe something else.  

All the doors in the house now open, though, and close easily.  Small victories.  

There is still much to be done.  We are not near the end.  My life will not be my own for weeks.  I live in disarray.  

I try to stretch the episodes of "The Queen's Gambit" by watching YouTube and the election non-results.  I let music videos and live concerts play on and on as the clock approaches bedtime, my melancholy suffused with anticipation.  I wait as long as possible, then switch over to Netflix.  Everyone is right.  The show is luscious.  It makes other shows seem garish.  

When an episode is finished, I step over the construction debris and fall into the single bed.  I close my eyes not wishing to open them again.  But the waking comes bringing back my desultory world.  

I think about walking today.  I think about lying on the couch.  I can do both, of course.  There will be many hours.  It is not one or the other.  Mostly, I just wish to settle my nerves.  

I think I might have a pill for that.  

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