Friday, February 2, 2018
There are significant moments in life that you can't avoid. One is coming up soon that has me by the balls. I mean, I just can't get over it. I have never liked birthdays, but this one is cataclysmic for me. Maybe I'll feel better when it is over and done with. I don't know. But I am entering the last age bracket. I will have achieved that last and final glory. It is the last frontier.
There is no more pretending.
I may give up reading the paper. There is too much research and health news that does not cheer me. It is perhaps better for my peace of mind if I let the world do what it is going to do while I think about other things. I don't seem to be able to shift the course of history. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I tried, but I could have done better, I think.
Everything changes. When you are young, or even middle aged, you can wear a guyabera shirt and seem cool. When you get old, you just look like a Cuban barber. There is not preventing that. It just happens.
Maybe it is the same with the course of history. Maybe we can't change it after all.
Last night I lay in bed thinking about the coming event. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It occurred to me that I should do something significant for myself. I should be allowed--no, encouraged--to do something that I shouldn't do. What might that be?
I need a lot of things. Chief among them is a new computer. I'm working on an old Mac that really doesn't work. Yes, there is that. But there are a lot of expenses coming up with the house (which I think every day now about selling as I don't seem to be able to keep up with it any more), and not too far from now, I won't have the same income stream that I now enjoy.
But what I want is terribly impractical, so much so that it borders on idiocy.
I want to buy myself a Leica M10.
It is ridiculous. But, and here's the thing, I have an almost new Leica M 262 that I can sell. I can get about half the money I need to buy the M10. The thing is, the M10 is not twice as good as the M262, so it doesn't make sense. And I know that if I buy it, I will feel guilty and not use if for a year.
But, I tell myself, people buy themselves Porsches or Harleys or some other expensive thing. It is what people do.
I don't know. I'm all freaked out. I am probably losing my intellectual capacity and need to be relieved of all responsibility. I'm more than likely a danger to myself now. I half believe I should be institutionalized.