Friday, July 27, 2018
My mother tells me I moaned and yelled in my sleep all night. She said she was worried about me. She told me this when she got up after I did. I've been aching and have stabbing pains all over my body this morning.
"Do you remember having bad dreams?"
"Do you feel rested?"
"I never feel rested."
I believe aliens perform experiments on me at night. There is no other explanation.
It is horrible, really. I had given my secretary some advice the other day which was unusual because I don't give people advice, but she has been dwelling in a bad psychic place, so I told her she needed to focus on some positive thoughts. Then, yesterday, I realized that I was probably speaking to myself, and I decided to take my own advice. I need to focus on some positive thoughts.
Trying to find one is difficult.
Instead, I headed to my favorite bar after work and had two Old Fashioneds. And they sent me for a loop. When I got to my mother's, I had wine with dinner and then the usual scotch. All this after I decided that I would stop drinking. Heading to bed, I was worried, so I took the last half of a Xanax I had left.
I guess that's when the yelling began.
This morning I am tired. I may be catching the dreadful cold that is going around. My mother has had it for days, so it is really inevitable. The weekend weather will be shit and gloom. I want to go into a sensory deprivation chamber until it is over.
I am always anxious about my health now that I have a doctor. Always. I wonder what I have done to my "levels" at every moment. I'm not worried. I'm scared.
I tell myself I will quit drinking. Then I tell myself I will quit eating. And then I tell myself I will quit both. I will become an ascetic.
I always write aesthete first. I confuse the two.
I will become gaunt and hollow. I can see myself all slim and ropey. I can feel the emptiness inside.
If I lived in California or Colorado, I would just eat gummy bears and drink water.
See? Focusing on the positive. This is why I don't give advice. Nobody takes it. We want to share the depression and gloom with everyone.
As I've always said (for ill or good), what do we learn from happy?