Friday, July 27, 2018
My mother tells me I moaned and yelled in my sleep all night. She said she was worried about me. She told me this when she got up after I did. I've been aching and have stabbing pains all over my body this morning.
"Do you remember having bad dreams?"
"Do you feel rested?"
"I never feel rested."
I believe aliens perform experiments on me at night. There is no other explanation.
It is horrible, really. I had given my secretary some advice the other day which was unusual because I don't give people advice, but she has been dwelling in a bad psychic place, so I told her she needed to focus on some positive thoughts. Then, yesterday, I realized that I was probably speaking to myself, and I decided to take my own advice. I need to focus on some positive thoughts.
Trying to find one is difficult.
Instead, I headed to my favorite bar after work and had two Old Fashioneds. And they sent me for a loop. When I got to my mother's, I had wine with dinner and then the usual scotch. All this after I decided that I would stop drinking. Heading to bed, I was worried, so I took the last half of a Xanax I had left.
I guess that's when the yelling began.
This morning I am tired. I may be catching the dreadful cold that is going around. My mother has had it for days, so it is really inevitable. The weekend weather will be shit and gloom. I want to go into a sensory deprivation chamber until it is over.
I am always anxious about my health now that I have a doctor. Always. I wonder what I have done to my "levels" at every moment. I'm not worried. I'm scared.
I tell myself I will quit drinking. Then I tell myself I will quit eating. And then I tell myself I will quit both. I will become an ascetic.
I always write aesthete first. I confuse the two.
I will become gaunt and hollow. I can see myself all slim and ropey. I can feel the emptiness inside.
If I lived in California or Colorado, I would just eat gummy bears and drink water.
See? Focusing on the positive. This is why I don't give advice. Nobody takes it. We want to share the depression and gloom with everyone.
As I've always said (for ill or good), what do we learn from happy?
Posted by cafe selavy at 8:14 AM