Wednesday, August 15, 2018

I'm Special

I made a mistake yesterday. . . a big mistake.  It was the end of the workday and for whatever reason, I went on eBay.  I searched for Leica M10s and found one said to be EX+ for a cheap price.  The seller is a photo store with a 100% positive rating.  There were only a few minutes left in the auction. I sat for awhile looking, thinking.  I may have been feeling sorry for myself.  I felt I deserved something having been deprived of my summer.  Yes, I think that "deserved" was the word I used to myself.  The eBay clock was ticking down.  I didn't need the camera.  It would not make either my photography or my life any better.  In fact, I was certain that it would make both worse.  But, I guess, I was like a sailor after a long voyage who surprisingly finds himself in a whorehouse.  I don't know.  I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop myself.

With a couple seconds left (I mean I was almost good), I hit the "Buy Now" button.

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  It is a vast sum of money, the very thing that I am worried about.  Oh, I've wracked my brain for what to do.  I can sell the Leica camera this one will replace.  That will mitigate much of the cost.  I can sell it, right?  Well, there is the little dent in the top cover, of course, and I just found out that the spring is missing from the flash mount making it loose.  Still, if I'm honest about that, I should be able to get a good sum.  And there is my Hasselblad XPan with two lenses AND the center filter which is difficult to find.  That would put me over the top if I sold it.  I never use it.  It just sits on a shelf.  Will I sell it?  I mean, it is a rare commodity.

And there is the Leica Monochrom.  That one would be easy to sell.  If I sold all three, I'd be in the black for sure.

But I wouldn't have those cameras.

What is wrong with me, I keep wondering.  Am I simply self-destructive?  Last night I woke at three. Unable to sleep, I promised myself that I would wear that camera around my neck day and night, like Flavor Flav's alarm clock.  I would force myself to be a better, more productive photographer.

Obsessed like the kid who wanted the Red Rider BB gun in the Christmas story.  I'm sure to put my eye out.  Jesus Christ, if my mom finds out.

But as I told my friends, I'm not like the others. . . I'm special.

This morning, though, I think I've figured out why I did it.  It was my mother's universal statement from yesterday, my new standard response to anyone who has a problem.

"It'll be fine.  You'll just have to get used to living in a different way."

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