Tuesday, February 4, 2020

A Better Day, But the Night Is Another Thing

My first day of retirement was o.k. Really.  I got up later than usual, and after coffee and electronic newspapers, I got ready to go to the factory.  What?  Yea, I had to take care of some unfinished business.  But I didn't have to get dressed, just jeans, flip-flops, and a t-shirt.  Driving in didn't stress me out at all.  I wasn't glum or nostalgic.  Driving onto the property was weird as I went to a different parking lot on the opposite side from the building that houses my office.  As I walked across the grounds, I wasn't sad.  Everything seemed to be fine, and when my business was done, I turned around and came home.  Without regret.

I went to the gym and worked out then lay by the pool to get a little color.  When I came home, a buddy was running by just as I stepped out of the car, and we chatted for a while.  The tenant came over with the rent check and we chatted as I made lunch, poured a glass of wine, and ate on the deck. The day was perfect, seventy degrees and cloudless blue skies.  After a shower, I went to the photo store, and the day was quickly closing.  A scotch and a call to my mother.  And now this.

Is this what retirement will be like?  Hellfire, it is fine.  I don't know where the day went, but it passed pleasantly.  The fellows at the photo store asked me if I had been taking photos, and I told them no.  I said that there were a lot of photographs and a lot of good photographers doing the same thing.  The street has been done to death now.  Making street pictures is more than redundant.  So are most things.  I need to find a purpose, I said, need to find a theme.  Maybe I'll start with process and then decide on subject.  First the look, then the image.

But I haven't come to that, yet.  I still have days if not weeks of organizing to do.  I did none of that today, but I don't feel guilty.  I can do it tomorrow or the day after or the day after that.  I know it is dangerous, but I want some down time, some lazy time, some let's find out who I am now time.  Today was a nice start.

I didn't think about Ili as much today.  I have another piece of candy to help me through the night.  I figure I need a supply.  A couple scotches and then some candy and water.  Much healthier overall.

I got a lot of emails today telling me it was already different at work.  My secretary texted me to say that dammit, I was the person she came to when she needed to bitch.  So I called her and she told me her tale.  Tales.  What happened wouldn't have happened had I been there, but now there is a power vacuum that people are looking to fill.  Relationships will change.  There is no rebel to yell bullshit when bullshit needs to be yelled.

She said she felt better after talking to me.  Sure.  Any time.

The sun is dipping behind the trees and the evening dew is beginning to settle, and I am on the deck writing and need to go in.  I will learn to love myself again.  You'll see.  It will be fine.

*.  *.  *.  

It is not yet morning after a night of not quite sleep.  I am still not used to waking up in bed alone every night.  I will revert to my previous ways of living alone and put on a little jazz when I wake up in the night.  It used to drive away the bad thoughts and put me back to sleep.  And a night light.  The darkness is oppressive alone.

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