Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Sometimes, It Is Like This

Mr. Fixit continues his work for a few more days before he leaves on his holiday vacation.  Everything will not be done, but we have been together for going on two months now, or close to that, and I am anxious to have my own schedule once again.  This has been a very difficult time in too many ways.  I now think about money obsessively.  My emotional health has faltered to the breaking point.  I've had more doctor's appointments in the last two months than I have had in ten years, including after my accident.  I am ready to lie on the couch for days and days in a chemical stupor.  This life has been too much with me.  

There is good news.  That's the good news.  The bad is that I don't seem to be reacting well to it.  My heart, according to the tests that were run on it, is functioning normally.  But I have some other issues I'm not ready to go into now that are not as serious but that are dragging me down.  

I'm tired.  Very, very tired.  

The tragedy of the bathroom has inflamed my most unhealthy appetites.  I am in need of some good and healthful practices once again.  I have fed and eaten with Mr. Fixit every day, a diet that is not so very much my own.  The alcohol abstinence I was practicing fell more and more by the wayside with each stressful day.  I was losing weight at the onset of things.  I have put on pounds after.  Exercise and long walks have had to be abandoned.  I forgot to make tea, to drink Kefir and Kombucha.  Many routines have been lost.  

Soon, once again, I will be too much alone, but with that aloneness I will welcome a more moderate and meditative lifestyle again.  

Perhaps I will regain some of my interest in the practice of the more ethereal and esoteric things in life.  I mean, I might think about some expressive project of one kind or another.  Knowing I might have a few more good years, I can plan for the creative future.  

At present, though, it feels as if I have been through a war.  You must forgive me.  

Well, Mr. Fixit is here, and so the writing ends, the day begins.  There is much to do in the next three days.  Here's hoping we can get it done.  

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