Friday, September 24, 2021

Not a Partier

"What the fuck am I looking at?" you might ask.  Yea, I know.  I thought I needed to make some new plates but didn't have the energy to go far, so I walked into my neighbors yard and shot his bush.  It is a lovely bush, but the light was not falling on it so it is monstrously muddy.  But there are fun things about it.  First of all, the out of focus areas are fascinating.  The swirls of light are coming off the bushes where the light is striking.  But better, the plate is flawless.  I think I am getting the process down.  Now all I need to do is get the gumption to go out and make pictures of something.  

I've been lacking gumption. 

I went to the little get together last night.  It was fun but I am out of practice.  It wore me out.  I was home before eight, exhausted.  I only had one beer at the cafe.  I don't usually drink much when I am out.  It seems strange, but my senses are engaged and I want to take in the scene.  Drinking serves to dull the process, and sitting home alone with a bucket full of snakes between my ears. . . .  So when I got home, I poured a whiskey and sat down on the couch.  And almost immediately, I fell asleep.  I didn't get out of bed until late this morning.  

Problem is, they want me to do it again tonight.  A smaller group.  The "insiders."  My girl who is leaving the factory insists I go.  She is very emotional.  I don't know how to tell my mother.  The whole thing makes me anxious and weary.  I've grown so accustomed to a night at home with a snoot full of whiskey.  Going out, interacting, eschewing my mom watch. . . . oy!  

My whole schedule is off, too.  I have to take my mother to her physical therapy early today.  I won't have time to go to the gym and get cleaned up before then, so I will have to go afterwards.  I have become like the Rain Man.  I lose it when my schedule is off.  That's right!  That happened.  

What day is it?

I just want to stay in and watch a movie.  And eat.  And drink.  

And, of course, snuggle with my own true love.  

But I will take my mother to therapy and then go to the gym.  I will go to the party tonight and try to hold up.  And I will come home and head for the couch until I sleep.  

I'll need to rest up if I am ever to create something good.  Soon, I think.  Very, very soon. 

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