Wednesday, January 5, 2022

I Don't Wish to Become a Tutor

 Is it only January 5th?  It seems like it's been Dry January for weeks now.  If my belly is any indication, though. . . it has not been long.  

I had my annual physical yesterday.  I didn't want it, but the doc got me addicted to a prescription for blood pressure a few years ago and now I can't get it from her without the annual.  Of course, I got some news that was distressing.  A trip to the doctor is like a death sentence.  You know the execution coming, but you're not sure when.  You only know it is imminent.  

But no one wants to read or speak of these things.  They are private matters that we must keep to ourselves with a stoic silence.  

The doc asked me how I liked retirement.  I replied, "Not so much."  She wondered why, and so I told her--girl left, job gone, Covid, isolation--you know, the top stress producers known to science.  She was sorry to hear that, and she tried off the top of her head to give me some suggestions.  She thought, for instance, that maybe I could spend my time helping disadvantaged kids with reading and writing.  I just shook my head and grimaced.  "It's not the work I miss," I said.  

When I got home from the appointment, I guess I was gripped by a panic attack.  I crawled into bed and shivered.  I needed to shut down my brain, but it wouldn't, of course.  I should have asked her for a prescription for Xanax.  What I really wanted was the impossible.  And I wanted just to lie in the lap of my own true love.  

Sometime later, I got up and tried to get on with things, but I had a feeling of detachment that was unshakable.  A paralysis had set in.  "Move, motherfucker," I told myself.  And so I did.  Slowly.  I went to the grocery store.  I bought some cod, some fruits and vegetables.  Etc.  

I came home and sat.  I thought about how difficult it is to be so alone at times.  But it is a dilemma.  Other people are an irritant, too.  All one wants at times is to be smothered in quiet caring and comfort.  

I made dinner.  While the rice and broccoli were cooking, I fed the cat and sat on the deck and smoked a small cheroot.  Half of it.  Then I got up and powdered the cod in corn starch and oat flour and set it in a pan of hot coconut oil.  I ate in front of the t.v. watching the news.  

CNN and MSNBC has led me to believe a lot of things their expert commentators have predicted.  The Fifth District would file charges against Trump by November before Cyrus Vance's term was up.  Weisselberg would turn state's evidence and others in the Trump organization would sing.  Charges would be filed against Matt Gaetz.  Etc.

Now they pin all hopes on the January 6 committee.  

Oh, boy. . . we got 'em now!!!!!

They would have you believe that people are baffled about CDC guidelines on Covid.  Really?  Maybe so.  I think, however, you'd have to be a fucking idiot.  It seems pretty easy.  If you are infected, stay away from others.  Wear a mask.  Get vaccinated.  Are people's hair on fire over whether isolation is 5 or 7 days?  

Apparently.  Many people still think that Covid is a political thing, that Antifa were responsible for the Capitol break-in, and that space aliens are living among us.  Psychologists are speculating that this is a result of people's feelings of a lack of self-worth.  Social media has taught us all that our lives are shit compared to those we see online.  The DaVinci Code brings real meaning to their lives.  


I should only ever watch the BBC.  

But I needed the distraction last night.  I need it today.  I'll need it tomorrow.  I can feel my anxiety levels begin to rise as I come to the end of this post.  I really need something to focus on, something to distract me for awhile.  But when I think of taking on some lone task, my hands begin to tremble.  I want to watch someone else do it.  

There is a general gloom outside today.  The sky is gray, the air coolish and damp.  I will try to find some light somewhere, something that will lift me.  In the meantime. . . please don't offer me any advice.  I do not wish to become a tutor.  

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