My life is full of empty wandering right now. It beats sitting inside all the time, of course. I take long walks during the day. I've taken to walking in the dark after dinner. I'm trying not to walk in the same places all the time. This photo is from a nearby nature trail in a neighborhood only a couple miles away. I'd never walked down this path before. It really wasn't as dramatic as this photograph, but my senses were more engaged as instructed. A sign said "Natural Habitat Area: Be Aware of Natural Wildlife." Of course, I was looking for unnatural wildlife, too. Anything. There are many coyotes in this area now. I have yet to encounter while on foot "in the wild." I'm sure it will get the old heart pumping a bit.
As did the big splashes near the shore where I was sitting a couple nights ago. The lake was dead calm, so it wasn't waves lapping the shore. These were big splashes. What could it be, I wondered, sitting there just feet away from the water in the dark? Alligator? Otter? Bad knees, hips and back, I wondered how quickly I would be able to move. I think an alligator could get me for sure.
My senses were engaged.
I am trying to distract my mind from the anxiety producing negative thoughts that want to overwhelm me of late. It works a bit. Exercise, shopping for essentials, walking, visiting my mother, shopping for groceries, preparing meals, walking again, reading, and finally a little television before bed. An idle mind is the devil's workshop, they say.
Senses engaged, mind distracted, but concentration lacking.
Sometimes I still tremble.
I must do something about the deck. I think I have decided to call someone to get an estimate. It doesn't seem I am capable of fixing it right now. And it must be fixed. I fell through a board this morning while feeding the cat and almost broke my ankle. Maybe it would be good for me, though, to at least tear it up and cut it into pieces for disposal. I might feel a little productive. I should probably do that.
I should probably do any number of things. In the main, I am trying to allow myself to do what my mind and body are telling me at any moment. Asserting my right as a retiree, I am.
Even calling someone and meeting with them about the deck seems like too much, though.
I didn't answer the mental health questionnaire at the doctor's office honestly. I could see no good outcome from doing that.
C.C. tell me to join a church. He says, "You don't have to believe. Just go."
Fellowship, I guess.
Oy! I am not writing to distraction here. I'm ruminating, and that is not what I intended or needed to do.
The sky is clear and blue. It will be my bromide. By afternoon, all will be cloudy and gloom. I must make hay while the sun still shines as the old saying goes.
Hey, wait. . . before you go. . . I DO have one tale to tell. Not really a tale, just an incident, you know. . . to relate. I took my car to the carwash. The woman who directs the cars into the lanes has worked there forever. Many, many years ago, I posted a photo of her on this site. She is a bit rough, but she is always super friendly. So. . . she was directing me to pull my car up into a covered area where the fellows vacuum the interior.
"Pull up," she yelled, waving her hand.
"All the way?" I questioned.
"Just until you hit backbone!" she laughed.
I thought the word "backbone" hilarious.
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