Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Sex, Welcome, No


1975.  San Francisco.  I was standing next door to the Condor Night Club, the place made famous by Carol Doda and a photograph of her dancing topless for delegates at the 1964 Republican Convention that nominated Barry Goldwater as it Presidential candidate.  Doda was the Eighth Wonder of the World after she had silicone injections in her breasts, one of the first augmentations in the U.S.A.  It is widely reported that because the silicone was not contained in bags, it would not stay in place and each night before she was lowered from the ceiling on a baby grand piano, she would have to massage the miracle liquid back into shape.  

By 1975, there were many topless clubs in North Beach near the corner of Columbus and Broadway.  I had gone to Ferlenghetti's City Lights Books, a mecca for bohemians as was all North Beach having served as the west coast base for so many beat poets, Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsburg among them.  These were the streets where Neal Cassady was arrested for sharing a joint with an undercover cop.  Etc.  And so, camera in hand, I wandered, searching for roots, meaning.  

"Hey, fella, you want to take my picture."  


Sure, I said, and timidly snapped my camera into place while she struck salacious poses in the darkened doorway.  I was shy like a boy on a first date and only took a few before I struck up conversation.  I told her with nervous enthusiasm that I had just graduated from college and was traveling around the country like Kerouac.  Turned out she had a master's degree in literature and I was over my head on all fronts.  


Then a gruff voice called from inside and she got nervous.  "What are you doin'?"  One more pose, his hand on her breast, and she moved quickly inside.  

A dancer with a master's degree.  I should have learned something from that.  


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Hillibillies in Paradise


I just want to clear up any misconception I may have given by posting the picture in the "about me" section of this blog. I don't drive a Porsche. That photo was taken by a friend in Red Rocks up the street from Vegas. He had rented the car. I drive a beat up old Volvo with 250,000 miles on it. The air conditioner quit working and I don't want to spend the thousand dollars to replace the unit. I do not like spending money on cars. I am a hillbilly and use clothes hangers to reattach parts that fall off. Like this muffler. I can't believe the girl in the photograph lets me get away with it.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Katerina and Alexander


I got a note from my friend in Belarus. I asked him to send an update to the Ballad of Kate and Sasha. Surely it is Spring there, I suggested. Send photos of your bohemian life, of wine and picnics and summer dresses. Sasha wrote back that it is not Spring there yet, that there is no place to go for such things. He will try, he said. He and Kate will go picnicking. In the meantime, he sent this photograph. Kate and Coca-Cola, warm clothing, an abandoned truck, abandoned countryside. It is hard to imagine. Here the weather has been too beautiful to live up to and I am blue.

Waiting for the weather. What else is there to do? Here is a poem that always tightens my throat with emotion, an invitation from Robert Frost.

The Pasture

I'm going out to clean the pasture spring;
I'll only stop to rake the leaves away
(And wait to watch the water clear, I may):
I shan't be gone long. -- You come too.
I'm going out to fetch the little calf
That's standing by the mother. It's so young,
It totters when she licks it with her tongue.
I shan't be gone long. -- You come too.

I guess I'll wait for Kate and Sasha.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I Like It That Way


This is an old photo booth print I found in a shoe box the other day from 1978 or so. Good times. Looking through old things makes me want to tell stories. I must do some scanning. I am afraid, though, of becoming nostalgic. I hate nostalgia, the rosy, maudlin view of the past. This girl was very bad for me, but I enjoyed it incredibly. At first. After a time, there was only the addiction, the reduced pleasures, the recognition.

As one song goes (I can't remember the artist right now)

Fool me once, that's OK.
Fool me twice, I like it that way.


I began my "Cafe Life" with this girl, spending the hours eating, talking, drinking in beautiful places. That is what remains.

For me, that is. I can't speak for her. She left me for a man with money, as they say.

Friday, April 25, 2008

They Fuck You Up

I don't have any quarrel with my mom and dad, but I have always liked this poem.


"This Be The Verse"

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.


Philip Larkin

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Rag and Bone


Slight cold. Too many responsibilities. Poor attitude. Sometimes you feel like an old car too long unattended. Left out in the elements. Oxidation.  Too much history.  No prospects.

Now that my ladder's gone
I must lie down where all the ladders start,
In the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart.

William Butler Yeats
from "The Circus Animals' Desertion"

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Wasted Time


I've missed some things. Full Pink Moon. I did nothing but note it. Didn't celebrate it. I missed filing my taxes. I missed paying some bills and had my phone turned off. No internet. It is not that I didn't have the money. Time. I seem to have none. And so I missed posting here. I work. I am a busy fellow.

Today is Shakespeare's birthday, I am told.

"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."
William Shakespeare



"And so it goes."
Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, April 18, 2008

Earliest Memory




My earliest memory is of legs and sunlight and the warm, friendly chatting of female voices. I didn't understand much of the language, but I liked the tone of the voices, the lilting giggles, the melody of it all. A square of sunlight fell through the window onto the floor, the mullions forming crossed shadows. Beside the square of sunlight and shadow were a pair of woman's legs crossed at the ankles. Calves and Skirt. Suddenly there was a shock of laughter and my mother picked me up. I must have done something naughty. It has stayed with me.  

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Linguistic Tricks for Children



When I was very young, my father often said things that confused me. He used to call people "kiddo," for instance, as in, "OK, see you later, kiddo." Maybe it is kid-o. The closest I could come to that word in my vocabulary was "kettle," and I could not understand why my father would refer to people as "kettle." But of course I never asked.

I used to look forward to my father coming home from work because he brought me treats, just silly things like Black Jack chewing gum or a big, hot soft pretzel. One day he came home from work and told my mother he had been pulled over by a policeman. The police were not good guys in my family, my father's side having some very shady members, so I was all ears. He went through a list of things that I wasn't sure of and concluded by telling her, "The son of a bitch threw the book at me." I was too young for metaphor, and the injustice of the literal act stuck with me.

These linguistic tricks took place when I was four or five. Nobody in the family ever recounted these tales. Funny that I still remember them.

My father used to sing a song to me that I thought was just gobbledegook, just nonsense sounds to succor a child.

"Mareseedoes and doseedoes and liddlelambsceedivey."

I heard the song as an adult, and of course it went:

"Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy."

There are not many photographs of my father and I together. Here's one.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

in-Just Redux


in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame balloonman
whistles far and wee

and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer
old balloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's
spring
and
the
goat-footed

balloonMan whistles
far
and
wee

e.e. cummings

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Sun, Wind, Stars, Rain, Moon


Stars, wind, sun, rain, moon.  It was cold last night in the sunny south, and I had no heat.  Less than miserable, but less than comfortable, too.  Looking for relief, dreaming of travel and green fairies.  

And only the children can begin to explain.  

(apologies to e.e. cummings)

Monday, April 14, 2008

It's All Just Telling Tales

I don't know.  The last entry bugged me.  Not enough to take it down, but enough to make me post something over it so that it wouldn't be the first one you see today.   

India Fest.  I didn't take the photo.  My girl did, the one I fly with.  

Falling


I was going through an old grocery bag filled with letters and poems yesterday. The bag came apart in my hand. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am unable to organize things, so I throw them into whatever is at hand and there they stay for years and years until time and circumstance forces some further action. Among the things that fell to the floor was an envelope full of pictures, some Polaroids and old photo booth strips. They were long forgotten. I could not have told you they existed. The photographs were of an old girlfriend. What a horrific term. We were tumultuously together for eight years.

I fell for this girl when I was twenty-five. I already had a girl. But I lived in one town and my girlfriend lived in another, so I simply fell. It was wonderful, this falling, like floating in wind, the increasing velocity, the crazy view, like flying in your dreams. She was a big, beautiful girl who had set the state track record for the mile. She possessed a natural glamor, so that when a man walked past her in the street, something would happen to his inner ear and he would briefly lose his equilibrium. My life was charmed, I thought. I would spend weekdays with one woman and then drive the hundred miles to spend the weekend with the other.

I don't know what makes a person think he can do such things. Eventually my longtime girlfriend finished her graduate degree and moved to town. One day, I came home to find all of the stuff I had at her house piled outside her door. Inside, I found her in the tub, soaking, crying. I quit falling then. It was the first wrong thing I had ever done in my life. You are skeptical, but it is true. I can still hear the thud of the impact. There was no more flying. From then on, I had to learn to walk.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Hopper, Kerouac and the Zeitgeist of Solitude


My friend sent me an article on Edward Hopper the other day. He highlighted the parts about solitude and loneliness and connected it to the road photos I have on F Blog. Looking back, I realize how much the zeitgeist of the era had entered into my photos. I have a difficult time doing "happy." When I photograph people at occasions, the photographs look worse than amateurish. Most times, when I photograph people being happy, there is some dark aspect to the picture.


I can't find faces today that look as solemn as I photographed when I was young. I find tortured and miserable faces of the wretched and poor, but the middle class have adopted a Spring Break look, smiling big orthodontic smiles, waving arms and hoisting glasses, mugging for the camera like Paris Hilton or an American Idol. Different zeitgeist.


I love Hopper, but I had never connected his vision to Kerouac's writings or Frank's photography. I am just stupid, I guess. Hopper. I feel that in my bones. I will go out with my camera again and look for something. Maybe this is the breakthrough I needed. A mission and a vision. A philosophy.






Thursday, April 10, 2008

Literary Cabs and the Course We Pursue


F Blog just put up this photograph of Jim Harrison on their site. You can read the essay I wrote for them there. I will tell another story about the same conference here.

In 1996, I attended a writing conference in Key West whose guest authors included Rick Bass, Annie Dillard, Gretel Ehrlich, Jim Harrison, Thomas McGuane, John Nichols, Doug Peacock, Peter Matthiessen, and Gary Snyder. Snyder and Matthiessen were prevented from coming by huge winter storms that stopped air traffic west of Colorado. Still, the conference was no disappointment. I had asked my friend Brando along, and he got a big kick out of it. He is a natural attraction and we had many adventures with writers, pirates, and go-go dancers, but I'll save that for later.

One night, there was a cocktail reception at the Martello Museum where, among others, the painting of Russell Chatham were on display. He and McGuane and Harrison were, at that time, the top of the food chain, their adventures in fishing, cooking, eating, and drinking much mythologized in magazines like Esquire and Smart.  

When we caught our cab, the driver asked us if we were part of the writer's conference.  She seemed to know much about it and the writers and offered that she wished she could go.  Then she dropped a bombshell.  She had been McGuane's girlfriend in the '60s when he lived there and was writing "Ninety-Two in the Shade."  Later, they stayed friends until he left Key West for good.  When we arrived at the reception, a sudden impulse took hold and I asked her if she would like to come inside.  She was ratty looking as she came to work after a day on a boat, wearing an old, baggy t-shirt, cut-off jeans, and a baseball cap, and she opined that she would not be allowed inside.  I told her she would be alright as long as she was with us.  She looked at me quizzically, so I said quickly, "Don't you know who we are?"  Without further conversation, she parked the cab and we got out.  Brando and I put her close between us and I said, "Stay right here and don't look at anyone until we get inside."  There was no trouble, of course, only me making drama.  Inside, I got her a glass of wine and we began looking around, and there before us stood McGuane and Chatham with a large group of sycophants.  Without thinking, I shouted out, "Hey, Tom, look who it is?" and our cab driver stepped forward sweet and shy and said, "Hi, Tom."  The sycophants looked confused, their faces flashing from the apparition of the cab driver to McGuane and back trying to get the lay of the land.  McGuane's own face was an awful sight as he tried to comprehend what was happening.  At last, it seemed he got his feet back under him and he offered his hand and a forced hello, at which point the crowd began to break.  Brando and I left the two love birds there to talk over good times, me feeling a saintly sense of accomplishment and goodness at the kind thing we had done.  

But Brando was looking at me as if I he had just seen a monster.  "Why in the fuck would you do such a thing," he said.  "What?"  I was confused.  "Jesus Christ, man, he looked at you like he wanted to kill you.  Why would you take her up there like that?"  

I had only been thinking about how sweet our cab driver was and how wonderful it would make her feel.  Maybe it didn't turn out so well.  I don't know.  Sometimes it seems that you just can't win.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

April Is The Cruelest Month


Clutter and confusion. I can't seem to make sense of things. Can't write, can't photograph. I've been going through my files. My mind is a mess. I'm certain a Spring Cleaning is in the offing. The weather is too hot here too early. I'm working on stories I'm not sure I can tell.

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.

etc.

'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

I think we are in rats' alley
Where the dead men lost their bones.

etc.

Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.

Shantih shantih shantih


(from T.S. Eliot's, "The Waste Land")

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

In the Meantime


I'm working on something that I will send to F Blog. If they don't like it, I will post it here. In the meantime, I don't want to rush it.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Western "I"


Rain, rain. Lush, green. I went to the Hindu Temple here for "India Fest." It was like any church get together but a bit more exotic to the western eye. Western I. Waited in line for food until I could wait no longer. Went to a hall to see Hindi dancing. I tried to take my first photos of the year. I am blocked, afraid. I could not approach people. Here is one of the two photographs I managed. I came home and overworked it. I don't have the energy to go back to scratch and fix it. Rain, rain. Lush green. Allergies and fertility.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Joakim Eskildsen


I didn't mean to be the last to praise Joakim Eskildsen's new book "Roma Journeys." I contacted him about six months ago wondering when the book would be released. It was just a Fan's Note of sorts, but he responded immediately and warmly. A very nice fellow.



I had been overwhelmed when I saw the images on his webpage. With envy and desire. I wanted to go where he had been and to take the photographs he had taken. I didn't think I could do it better. I wanted to do it as well. I wanted to be as committed as he. More than that, I wanted to have the self-faith that what I was doing was good and worthwhile. It has all paid off for him, I think.



When I look at his photographs, I think that he has mastered the dark like Rembrandt, filled in the details where details are thin. There are few sunny skies. It is early, it is late. People prepare, people wait. These are photographs of a slower life, images that seem to come to a western audience from a distant past, another time.



When I saw that the book had finally come to print, I wrote another email and asked if I could post a few of his images and link his site to mine. He was every bit as gracious as before. Buy his book. I can't wait for mine to arrive.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

A View of One's Own

Sometimes all you want is a window on the world, and a quiet, safe place where you can sit and observe.  There are times when you want only to sit and feel the day pass through you, to feel the rising and falling of the sun, to watch the growing and shrinking of shadows, to listen to the rustle of the leaves.  

Most of the time, that is impossible.  Another day gets past me blankly.  We are a busy people.  Work.  

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

All Fool's



There is no consensus on the origin of April Fool's Day. I have never cared for the notion of the modern version. I don't find much to enjoy in fooling or being fooled. I would like it more if it were a celebration of the absurd, as I read one scholar had suggested it once was.  Foolishness no, absurdity yes.  We need a day of purposeful absurdity rather than the sort we are exposed to disguised as postmodern logic by shallow thinkers posing as leaders every day.  On second thought, perhaps they are only fooling us.

But wait, this isn't that sort of website.  I do not wish to be didactic nor to opine.  I want to show photos and tell stories.  I'd rather illustrate.

So here is a joke written into one of Jim Harrison's books.  I can't remember which one.  

Two Frenchmen pass one another on the street.  The first says to the second, "How are you today?"  The second Frenchman says, "Not so well.  My mother died at six o'clock this morning."  The first Frenchman queries, "Did you say six o'clock?"  

This always breaks me up.  



Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Color Kerouac


That is what they called it at F Blog. They just put up another of my 1975 road series, this time with a long, ill-written narrative. It is not ill-written, really. I like it but for the verb tense shifts, the doubled words, etc. I have to quit writing when I am drinking, or at least quit emailing. I think that I must have sent them the wrong version, pre-proofing. It is embarrassing in some ways, but then again it is a European site and readers may think English is my second language. It is, sort of. Hillbilly is my first.



Here are some photos from that series. They are old slides that were not stored properly and have begun to disintegrate. Mold and mildew are unstoppable, I am told, once they begin. So the slides, though still vibrant in color, are maimed and disfigured. The first here is an image of the girl in the narrative, the one I met on the ferry to Vancouver Island, the one with whom I stayed on the beach, the one who went to Cat Island. I didn't say this in the F Blog article, but I was afraid to go with her because I had seen a Tarzan movie when I was a kid in which he was tied up in a cave and tortured by a woman wearing a leopard skin and a cat face. She tore the flesh of his broad chest with a leopard's paw. I imagined such a thing happening there with her, me lured to an inescapable island where a cult--The Cat People--lived.

The second image is of the South African. I think I got it wrong in the narrative. He was an engineer, a big, ready, rough fellow who made an impression on me. I wanted to be that tough.

The last picture here is of the Yellowstone River. I slept in a tent with my backpack full of food the night before, a mistake because there were bears all about. I was awakened in the night by heavy footfall and a deep grunting. I almost shit myself, panicked thinking I was in for a mauling. It turned out to be two other campers walking together and talking in low tones. The next day was the last the park would be open. I wanted to hike out and was told to speak with a fellow who had maps. He could show me a route. I approached him timidly. He was a long, odd fellow with a wild and spindly beard and dirty fingers that traced out an animal trail beside the river on the ancient paper. He barely spoke, just saying that this trail would meet up with the highway. And so I walked all day alone. It was marvelous and heroic until I came across some animal carcasses, skeletons of half eaten elk. It was an animal trail, alright. There was no evidence of human traffic. And soon, the trail grew swampy and divided, a series of trails splintering, breaking. Before long, I was walking with mud coming over the tops of my boots. I was constantly forced to retrace my steps to take another trail. It was useless, I thought in a panic, and I decided to cut across country in the direction I believed the road to lie. It looked easy enough, a hike through tall grasses and bushes, but soon I could not see ahead as I crashed through thorns and ripe berries. Berries! Bears, I thought, and my mind raced back to the carcasses I seen. I remembered that you did not want to startle a bear, that they would get out of your way (maybe) if they heard you coming. That was why rangers wore bells on their shoes in places like this, I thought. I picked up my pace, but wasn't sure if I was maintaining a direction or running in circles. Suddenly my ankle hit a fallen tree trunk and I pitched face forward into the muck sinking beyond my wrists. Shit, I thought, I almost broke my leg, and I began to think of what that would be like, to be stuck here with a broken leg, trying to crawl my way to the highway, the snow coming in that night, no one but that twisted Gandalf knowing that I had come this way, me starving in pain, my bones mingling with the elk, my promising life come to an end. Adrenaline brought me to my feet. I was moving now, clapping my hands, yelling in a high, scared voice, "Bear, Bear," when suddenly I broke out of the brush into a clearing by the river. There stood four or five fly fishermen terrified by the sight of me covered in mud, running from the brush, screaming. Oh, god, oh sweet baby jesus, there was the road just yards from where I stood. I had made it. I was alive. All that was left for me to do was to make my way past these fellows without further incident. There was no hope of maintaining any dignity, no point in making the effort, so I brazenly approached one man and asked where I was and if he knew if the park bus ran by here. And then I rested on the bank and made myself lunch. And right from that spot, I took this last photograph.